It’s been 4 months since I posted something here and can I asked that you all to allow me to be human for once? I’m going to reveal quite a lot of personal emotions on this post and it’s going to be wordy.
Past 2 months, not a day went by easy for me after D & I ended our 3 years 7 months relationship. There’s just too much to say as of how it ended and why. But just know that I’m not the one that initiated it. (It was never once, me.)
Before anyone judge me based on who you think I am, let me ask you something: “How many times would you allow someone to dump you? over and over again?”. Just incase you don’t know, I have “tofu heart” although I have a classic RBF, believe it or not.
During the initial phase of the break-up, I was super upset with life, with people that couldn’t understand my decision on walk away from this relationship. Even my parents thought it was me, the princess because I’d never once shared with them anything, how devastating it is for me, do you know? No one really knows how many times I broke down in this room, I lost count myself as well. I pretended to be who I never was, for the sake of “peace”. I felt like I was under so much pressure and all I ever wanted to do was to run away. I never tell anyone besides maybe, Big C. I did a lot of “self-talk” I talked myself into: “it’s okay, I’ll be alright.” I was never and it caught up with me in the end. I allowed it to happened to myself and I’m facing it now, all by myself.
I’m living in constant fear and stress for these past 2 months but now some things need to stop, some things needs to be change. I don’t need, don’t have to and don’t want to take any shit anymore and same for D likewise. Yes, it took me so long to face the fact that there is no way of us returning back anymore because of my stubborn, “tofu-heart” (a term given by a close-friend), that was positive and optimistic at the beginning, but not now anymore. After all these, I am speechless, disappointed, angry and sad at the same time. Nevertheless, I’d prayed, I will continue to pray that I’ll let it go and I chose happiness and you’re not part of it anymore.